Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…

4 08 2010

I have long since struggled with and had an uneven relationship with the truth. I could tell you it’s because I was raised as a story teller, and in Hollywood the truth doesn’t sell. I could tell you they’re just white lies and everyone lies. I could tell you that truth has many faces. I could tell you that I’m not a liar, just a spin doctor…. but I know the truth.

So why lie? Why not just own up to the truth, and face the consequences? Why not be a man who is known as a man of his word? Why not tell the truth in every situation no matter what?

The truth is that I’m afraid of the truth, ashamed of it, and totally unfamilar with it. Whether it’s an off hand excuse about why I’m running late to a client’s house, or a story that I tell someone to get them to do something for me, whether it’s to keep someone from being mad at me, or to buy some time… the bottom line is that I lie… and more often than I should. But it’s about time to grow up and change that.

This past weekend, I came face to face with myself. I realized who I am, and better yet, who I wanted to be. This weekend, I realized my greatest promise lies in my greatest promise. That is to say I can only reach my full potential if I find a reason not to lie. And that reason is my relationship to the beautiful woman I am in love with, and to my family as a whole.

On Wednesday night, as I was about to head out of town, and after a very nice farewell meal with my woman, she asked me if I was telling the truth about not watching pornography any more. I looked her straight in the eyes, eyes that were soft and kind, and filled with love and tears, and I told her I was done with that stuff… but it was a lie and I knew it.

The next day, while I was in the middle of a business seminar she texted me to find out whether I was really being honest about the pornography or not. I was caught and I knew it. I was struck by the pain of falling into this same hole in my life again and again. Not the hole of pornography (although that has continued to be one of the biggest energy holes in my life), but rather the hole of lying again. In the split second before lying to her in the first place, I knew what the consequences of lying and being found out were, and yet I did it anyway. And now here I was face to face with those consequences,. It could mean the end of my relationship, and if that were to happen, I would deserve every piece of that sad fate.

I had two choices… stick to the lie at all costs, and continue to live as a man who was dishonest…. or own up to the lie and face the consequences. I chose the latter, and admitted that I had not told the truth the night before. What followed was several days of up and down roller coasters in the relationship, with me realizing my flaw and the weakness inside me that caused me to lie in the first place and starting to own it, and watching many other issues get brought to the surface along the way.

It’s not like I can just snap my fingers and all the dishonesties of the past could even possibly be erased. It’s a slow process of recognizing the damage I have done by hiding my truth and allowing the fear of how I show up to the outside world to dictate my actions. But, in spite of it all, my woman and I kept talking. And I am gracious and humbled by that opportunity, and with the level of being that she showed in the face of such a serious slight against her and all that we have built.

When I got home, and was face to face with her I shocked her. I told her I wanted to buy promise rings for the two of us. She thought I was crazy. She accused me of trying to buy her. She got in my face and told me that it was most definitely not the right time for us to buy or be wearing promise rings, in fact it was quite the opposite. After all that she had been through, how could she trust any promise that I would make, and what difference would a piece of metal on our fingers possibly make? But I stayed firm. You see, I had a deep context and purpose for wanting to buy the rings. You see, in life, we talk a lot about crossing paths… but when paths cross, the two parties then continue in opposite directions. What we should be doing instead is merging paths. Coming together and staying together. And that’s what I want to do. I want to cement these merged paths with something physical.

My flaw is this… when left alone to my own devices, the voices in my head call me worthless, useless, unloved and unwanted. They tell me nothing that I do matters to any other person in the world. Now when they tell me that, I will look down at the ring on my finger and know that they are wrong. I will know that they are lying. That ring connects me forever to another person, and is every bit as valuable to me as a wedding ring. It tells me I am worth something. I am useful to someone. I am loved. I am wanted. You hear that voices? I AM WANTED!!!! So go bug some other poor sap. I know that I MATTER. And every time I feel the weight of the ring on my finger, I remember my commitment…. my promise.

And I remind myself that I will find my greatest promise as a man within my greatest promise as a man. My promise to myself, to my woman, and to my family. My promise to be a man of my word. A man who can be trusted and counted on. My promise to plug that hole in my boat once and for all.

I PROMISE….


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10 responses

5 08 2010
Michael Blake

That was AWESOME and inspiring……… Thank you….
-Mike Blake

5 08 2010
Damien

I think that there are small lies which can be made, but that remains lies and this is not good!
I also had this experience with my woman, never big lies but small ones. She was not satisfied. And, in my head I was saying to myself : ‘What did I do which is so bad??? What happens??”.
I realized that even if it’s a small lie, it’s stayed a lie AND thus like I’m similar to my woman, I do not like either the lies.

Also I start to say to myself, and I say it to you also 🙂 , that you should not be frightened by this source of questions, which can seem to us as a lack of confidence or a kind of distrust to us, but rather say that the women go more into details and that they ONLY ask the peace of the couple and to have their peace of herself.

I call it ” the additional trust of the women “. And, in spite of it’s sometimes hard to give, we have to give them because they do it by love.

I have to admit that your example made me smile 🙂

Best regards,
Damien.

P.S : sorry again for my bad english

5 08 2010
Sherilyn

It’s so appropriate that you use a picture of Pinnochio. It is an esoteric story of a boy who wants to become “real”. I am consistently amazed at how you continually transform. Sometimes with grace and sometimes kicking and screaming but evolve you do. Over and over, deeper and deeper you delve, into the abyss that is your soul.

Our dear friend and shaman Robert speaks of the Fatal Flaw….COWARDICE. You show more and more that you do not have this. We all have our flaws but cowardice is fatal.

It takes a real man to tuen and honestly look at themselves . Even a bigger man to have the courage to turn and reveal it to the world. I proud to be the promised woman at your side. Nothing or noone can come between us.

No more….silent all these years. I love you deeply. Heart and soul forever

Babydoll xxxooo

6 08 2010
Vladimir

it makes no sense to lie when you see the thoughts..

*eat red currants .. mm .. sour)) :*)

7 08 2010
Chris Krenz-Kammer

I have to say first that you are incredibly brave to write this latest post. It takes alot of guts to shine the light on the parts of ourselves that aren’t too appealing… i admire your bravery. Second I wish to share my thoughts on this subject of lying… I wish only to share and I hope I don’t offend and I am certainly not judging… As a woman I am reminded of the time many years ago back in May of 1998 when I first met my husband. We started out as neighbors and became friends. We hung out from time to time. I really enjoyed his company. He was alot of fun and really sweet. There were however, things in his life back then that left me hesitant to get involved romantically. But things between us inevitably progressed further on anyway. I can remember voicing my concerns about things in his life then. His answer to the concerns was to take me aside ever so sweetly and profess his love and say to me that he is a man of his word with integrity, honesty, and devotion and that he would turn away from those other disctractions and not look back. I have to say that in all our 12 years together he has stayed true to that promise. As a woman to have your man be “a man of his word” is huge. It offers us women an amazing sense of security, a feeling of saftey, and the feeling that you can count on what your man says no matter what. So our relationship/marriage is based on truth and always has been. I have never lied to him, he has never lied to me and we never lie to our boys or others. Don’t get me wrong sometimes hearing the truth hurts and it has for me in the past. The truth sometimes forces us to face the parts of oursevles that aren’t very desirable.. I have learned so much from him and he makes me a better woman…I have learned if u have truth in your life, the truth does set u free. So it seems u are on the right path and I believe the first action of change is acknowledging the problem. Your well on your way. Best of luck to u on this amazing journey…

7 08 2010
Federica

Oh I wanted to cry after reading this. Awsome.
p.s. The Pinocchio picture is so cute!
Federica

9 08 2010
Charles

Dylan, I’ve always respected your work as a writer, but after reading this particular post, my respect for you has increased at least 100 times more. The level of honesty you have achieved here is really rare and remarkable.
I also have (and have had throughout my life) MAJOR issues with lying. It’s something I’ve rarely admitted to, but it is a deep, very negative part of my life.
After reading your words, I feel inspired to look at my life completely bare – without all the layers and masks we put on throughout our lives. I know looking at ourselves this way was something Roy London was passionate about, and Sherilyn has written very eloquently about honesty issues, too.
It’s a major accomplishment to get to the place where you recognize your flaws and start to deal with them. I’m so glad you have. Thank you for sharing. As always, it’s an honor to read your words.

9 08 2010
Suzanne

I really do respect what you have shared with us all..If only all “mankind” could evolve into being honest with not only themselves but others around them. The truth can be extremely painful, and it takes courage to face that. We deal with reality on a daily basis, being truthful about that reality really shows one’s character. There are many “truths” I do not “want” to face, but must to show my daughters inner strength, so in their lives they can be armed with that same courage, strength and ultimately inner peace..

10 08 2010
Candy

it’s true. self esteem and lies are directly connected.

we’ve all told a lie before in order to please someone or keep from disappointing them but ultimately it prevents true intimacy.

true intimacy and love exists when we share our deep dark scar tissue. our flaws unite us in vulnerability, humanity and show us the true love can happen when we support each others growth and love unconditionally. it boils down to trust.

I’m glad you trusted your lady enough to come clean and realize the lie was more damaging. and the rings are a beautiful symbol of that new found trust and a wonderful promise.

id definitely love to check out the book too. Bless you both.

10 08 2010
Sophie

That was beautiful!
Honesty, as hard as it can be is definitely the way forward
I’ve always tried to live my life as honestly as I can. It’s tough, especially when people don’t feel the same as you and encourage to not tell the truth, but I find it usually pays off.
I was honest with my ex when I fell for a girl, told him everything, how confused I was etc (I hadn’t cheated on him), everyone told me I was doing the wrong thing telling him the whole story, but I had to be honest to him and myself. I ended up breaking his heart, he later took his own life after a girl cheated on him. I felt so guilty for doing that to him, I was sure I should have lied to him and stayed with him, that way he might still have been alive.
A couple months later his parents got in touch with me, he’d told them everything that had happened, I was sure they’d hate me just like they hated his other ex-girlfriends but they didn’t. They took me into their hearts and asured me my honesty with their son demonstrated just how much I cared for him.
Sorry this post is so long I just wanted to show being truthful to yourself and others has worked for me. Much love and respect S x

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